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Bike Thieves

Diary of a bikeless mountain biker.

bikeless

Day 7.

Spent much of today replacing lock on workshop door. Forgot to drill keyhole. Many random holes in door which is now significantly lighter and weaker.

Put security alarm on garage door. Threw the ball for the dog. Ball hit garage door and knocked of sensor, setting off alarm. Sensor broken. Went inside to get tools and set off newly installed house alarm. Dogs going crazy.

Local police man comes round for a cuppa. Confirms bike has actually been stolen.

Reviewed many bikes that I cannot afford. Dismissed many bikes I could afford. Tried to negotiate a significant discount from LBS via email by asking for the slightly cheaper grips that could justify £1000 discount. No reply so far.

Now spent most of insurance money on bike magazines. Serious considering the bamboo frame, but no option for 0% credit.

Wore bike helmet round the house for most of the day. Drank my coffee watching out for cyclists riding past the house. Yelled obscenities at anyone riding a green bike.

Policeman came round again in the afternoon. Something about not yelling at other cyclists. No response yet from bike shop.

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Now that is a good idea

So I thought I would pen a few lines to whomever it was that nicked Dave D’s bike.

I hope you develop a serious case of crabs.

I hope said “case of the crabs” become terminal.

I hope the unbelievable discomfort you suffer due to them is only matched by your surprise when just before you snuff it, your dick falls off in your hand.

You utter f*ckstained horse gobbling dick nibbler.

Right, there we go. Apologies to the sensitive but I’ve made myself feel slightly better. However, yes it true, so if you are offered a highly unusual green Transition Bandit 29er frame or bike, ask for proof of purchase and feel free to contact me or the police.

With the above in mind I noted with interest someone has had a fundamentally good idea about secure bike storage in London – as reported here in “Robotic bike parks ‘future for cycling'”.

Shame they did not have these in London when I lived there – it might have stopped my prized Giant from being stolen from right outside the Police Station where I left it, under their CCTV camera, where it was double chain locked.

They left the chain bits for me though…

I wish a pox on all bike thieves.

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